{A CIIYF Production}

Author’s note: Please do read all the way to the bottom of this post…
PS: Jazak-Allah so much for all the feedback received on the previous post, it was HIGHLY appreciated! You readers are one of a kind! So BONUS post for you all today… Also, so sorry for the very long delay. Really can’t keep up on my own. Anyway… Enjoy!

Habibati Sadeekun… (Beloved Friend)

I woke up this morning feeling like I had a new purpose in life, a new reason to look forward to another day. I was entering a new phase of my life and for once I was actually excited and prepared for it. This past weekend feels like a dream and pinching myself doesn’t even help because it’s just so surreal. Can it be possible to fall so hard for someone in just two days over chat while just taking a compatibility ‘test’ together without ever seeing each other face to face? I guess maybe it is, because all I can think about is how perfectly suited for each other Riaz and I are.

Things were looking up… Mum was in a good mood and Dad was handling things well at work. As I sunk the herbal teabag into my cup of boiling water, I began over accessing and analyzing the situation. How was I going to tell Mum without throwing her off as soon as I opened my mouth? I needed a plan. While I waited for my tea to cool, I tugged on the string attached to my teabag and began concocting a… Lets call it a ‘SOLUTION’.

When Mum was done packing the lunch, I finally talked myself into putting on a brave face and going in. “Mum…”, I took a deep breath in and began. “Hmm…?”, Mum replied without even turning to look at me, as if she were distracted. “Uh…”, I tried to shake of the nervousness while I pulled out my phone to get ready to read out Riaz’s well scripted answers. I just knew that his amazing choice of words would win Mum over.

You know when you’re writing a letter, you start with addressing the letter to someone and then in the first paragraph you explain why you’re writing to them? Well… Before I even had a chance to even ATTEMPT my first paragraph, Mum already cut me off. “What should I cook today?”, she asked, standing in front of the fridge as if the answer would jump right out at her. “Well… I haven’t had Curry Kitchri in a long…”, my words sort of fell faint when i felt a presence behind me. It was Luqmaan, his eyes were bloodshot as if he had just smoked a pot of weed. He just stood there like a zombie, staring into nothingness. “Allah paak! What’s wrong son?”, Mum asked him, concern full on across her face. Luqmaan just stood there, his hands shaking like he had Parkinson’s. Mum pulled up a stool for him and seated him down, ordering me to get him some water.

Now I was concerned too. It was unlike Luqmaan to behave this way, especially since he goes around quoting Mufti Menk saying that the only weed a Muslim is allowed to participate in is Taj-weed. He normally practiced what he preached. He didn’t smell of anything though… I just couldn’t figure him out.

“LUQMAAN… Talk. What’s going on with you?”, Mum shook him a little. “I never imagined I could ever feel this way.”, He managed to say before the pools in his eyes burst and he broke down in tears. Mum was now more worried than ever. “Are you and Raeesa fighting again? What happened? Please don’t tell me you hit her… I didn’t raise you that way.”, Mum said. All of a sudden I went weak in my knees at the thought of Raeesa laying bashed up upstairs. I didn’t know if I should run to go and check on her or stay with Mum in case Luqmaan wanted to go on another bashing spree. The worst of thoughts entered my mind… What if he killed her? I couldn’t hear her but I didn’t see any blood either. He could’ve suffocated her with a pillow, or strangled her even. Luqmaan hasn’t been himself lately, perhaps he joined a gang or started drugs. That would explain it.

Woah! Hold on Nusaybah… You’re letting that discovery channel run away with you again.

I had to remind myself not to jump to any conclusions. After all, Allah Himself says in the Qur’an, “O you who have believed, avoid much [negative] assumption. Indeed, some assumption is sin. And do not spy or backbite each other. Would one of you like to eat the flesh of his brother when dead? You would detest it. And fear Allah ; indeed, Allah is Accepting of repentance and Merciful.” (Qura’an 49:12)

Luqmaan reached into his back pocket. This was it… This is the part where the psycho pulls his knife on the rest of the family so that there aren’t any witnesses. This was the part where I usually yell at the characters in the episode to run away because it was the obvious thing to do, but somehow I couldn’t bring my legs to move.

He pulled out a see-through packet with 4 marker-looking things inside and handed it to Mum. Mum’s eyes widened as she looked at him and then back down at the packet. “What is it?”, I asked curiously. “It’s uh… It’s…”, Luqmaan tried to explain but couldn’t string his words together while he wiped his face on his arm. “…pregnancy tests.”, Mum completed his sentence as she analyzed them through the packet. Tears began to fill her eyes, “My baby boy is going to be a Dad..”, she said, looking at Luqmaan with eyes I’ve never witnessed before. She held him close as if they were in their own world, but quickly snapped out of it when she realised that Raeesa was still upstairs.

I was overflowing with all sorts of different emotions:
Relief- That my brother wasn’t a psychopath killer after all…
Disappointment- That my limelight of telling mum MY happy news was ruined AND outshone.
Jealousy- Slightly… Just because Mum showed Luqmaan soooooooo much love even though he had been snappy with her for so long whereas she had only been scolding me lately for the most silliest of things.
Excitement- I was going to be an AUNTY!
Clarity- (Wait, is that even an emotion? Oh well… I’ll make it one and hashtag it ‘freedom of expression’) I finally understood why Raeesa was so… Not in the mood for the past month or so. Plus it explains why she and Luqmaan were on different wavelengths, fighting almost all the time. At one point, Raeesa even threatened to go back to her Mum’s house. If you saw how much they argued, you would’ve also thought the worst of my brother.

I went over and hugged Luqi. I was soooooo happy for him. “Crybaby.”, I teased him. “Tell anybody and I’ll tell them about that little accident you had last year.”, he said. “What accident?”, I raised an eyebrow. “Tell anybody… and you’ll find out.”, he grinned evilly. I learnt a long time ago that Luqmaan usually has nothing on me when he says that. That’s always been is technique of getting me to agree to his terms and conditions by making me overthink things and reconsider my options. Why I still fall for it? I guess I just don’t want to take the chance.

I finished my tea and ran upstairs to congratulate Raeesa, Mum and Dad before rushing off to school. Everything seemed to have been running smoothly, but then I got called into the office by the principle. Being a teacher instead of a student didn’t take any of the nervousness away, it’s just as scary.

I walked in there, overhearing a parent saying, “I knew there was going to be trouble from the moment I found out her name. Is this what Moslem people learn in their church? Dress all holy but do such filthy things! It’s disgusting!”. My heart started pounding immediately! How DARE SHE?! Apparently Robbie went home and told his parents that I was sharing intimate details of my personal life with the students and his mother came to lay a complaint. Two other Mums came to vouch for her as well. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing! These kids are barely 7 years old! My blood was boiling. How could the parents just straight out believe something like that?! They just sat there across from me, giving me dirty looks. “I’m not going to sit here and try to convince you of my innocence. I’d like for you to call any of my students and ask them what types of questions Robbie frequently asks in class and what my response is. I’ll even sit in the next room so that these parents can’t accuse me of influencing the kids answers.”, I told the principle. He agreed and escorted me to the next room after calling the secretory to fetch 3 random children from my class.

I was so mad I could scream. Even though I know I didn’t do what I was being accused of doing, I felt so hurt that something like this was held to my name. News travels fast and this is bound to reach the ears of other parents. It made me feel dirty and like my life was scarred forever over something I didn’t do. All I could think about was how angry I was at Robbie, I was ready to kick him right out of my class the next time he opened his mouth. Somehow Riaz came to mind and I wondered what he would’ve done in this situation. It’s strange, but even in his absence he makes me want to be a better person. Immediately some hadith came to mind:

  • The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) said: “If a man gets angry and says, ‘I seek refuge with Allah,’ his anger will go away.” (Saheeh al-Jaami’ al-Sagheer, no. 695)
  • The Messenger of Allah (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) said: “If any of you becomes angry and he is standing, let him sit down, so his anger will go away; if it does not go away, let him lie down.” (Musnad Ahmad, 5/152)

I felt myself calming down, and then… I remembered something. I asked the secretory to get a file from my drawer. “I would’ve got it myself but I need to be here in case I get called back in.”, I explained. She was such a doll, she went and got it without even thinking twice or giving me an excuse.

When I was called back in, one of the mother’s said, “Clearly she’s been brainwashing these children. At least our sons had the courage to step forward and expose her”. I bit down on my teeth and kept my mouth shut while waiting for the principle to talk: The Messenger of Allah (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) said: “If any of you becomes angry, let him keep silent.” (Reported by Imaam Ahmad, al-Musnad, 1/329).

The principle had the kids repeat to me what they had told the parents. I thank Allah that these children were truthful. They told them what inappropriate questions Robbie asks and how I punish him by making him clean the tables. The principle excused the children from the office so that the grown ups could talk.

“Sir, I’d like you to look at this…”, I said, handing him a page from my file, “This picture was drawn by Robbie a while back. I didn’t bring it up with the parents because I thought I had handled it by reprimanding him. I also didn’t feel it was necessary to call the parents in and embarrass them with a shameful thing like this. THAT, was my ONLY mistake sir. I might be young, but I’m mature enough to know what I can and cannot share with my students and also what I should or shouldn’t believe from what they tell me. I wish I could say the same for the parents.”

With a shocked look on the principle’s face, he handed the picture over to Robbie’s Mum and told her to have a look. The other Mums huddled around her to see too. Robbie’s Mum turned a shade lighter when she realised that the only way her son could’ve drawn such a picture was if he was exposed to VERY VERY intimate ‘acts’ at home.

I looked over at the principle and said, “Sir, I have a class to get back to. I don’t want to deprive them of their right to education just because some parents have a problem with the fact that I am Muslim.” The principle nod his head apologetically and gestured to excuse me. I stood up and said one last thing before I left, “Being Muslim doesn’t make me less capable of doing my job properly. In fact, being Muslim is the only thing stopping me from repeating some of the stories Robbie and his friends have carried from home and told me. The only regret I have today is that you picked on my religion based on what you THOUGHT you knew about me. If everyone had that mentality, this world would really be a sad… sad place. Goodbye Sir and have a nice afternoon ladies.”

Although I really wanted to cry when I left, I knew that no matter what happens next or who says what, it would be something that The Creator Himself believes I can handle because He tells us in the Qur’an that He will not burden us with more than we can bear. So I stayed strong and went about my day as normal. I even found it in me to treat Robbie WITHOUT any harshness. After all, he is a child, the parents should’ve known better to not believe everything they hear.

I couldn’t wait to get home. No matter how old I get,I always look forward to going home and telling my Mum about my day, be it good or bad. “Good! I’m so proud of you my baby. I’m sure now the principle will also stop seeing you as a child and start seeing you as a professional.”, Mum told me. I smiled, instantly feeling so much better. A mother’s comfort is just something else. May Allah bless and have mercy on all our mothers In-Sha-Allah.

Since we were having this bonding moment where it was just the two of us, I thought this would be the perfect time to tell her about how everything went with Riaz this past weekend. I told her everything while she sat and filled Samoosas for some Ramadhaan orders. She quietly listened and asked a question now and then, which eventually just turned into an argument. Eventually I couldn’t take it anymore and I just stormed off to my room. I cried it out, thought it over, then typed out a LONG message to Tasneem, explaining everything.

Me: Nemo… I talked to Mum. First I told her where he lives and Mum said, “Do you really think we would allow you to get married and move so far away? If your father or I died tomorrow, you think you would be able to make it for our janazah?”

Next she said that right now all I should be concentrating on is studying and work and that I shouldn’t even think about marriage, especially to someone I’ve never met before and know barely anything about.

She says she doesn’t trust our judgement…

So I asked her if she would like to speak to him and she said no, she doesn’t want to get involved because she’s not happy about it. She said that Allah knows what’s best for me and Allah will decide when I should get involved with someone, so I mustn’t do anything cause I’m not ready. She says that he seems like a very immature person making judgments so fast and decisions so easily without properly knowing what he’s getting into.

Next she says we don’t know a thing about Mozambique or the lifestyle and we don’t know anyone from there so there’s absolutely no way for us to confirm anything that he says…

Lastly she says she doesn’t want me getting married yet and that it’s not the right time and not the right person. She says whoever Allah decides for me will come at the right time but it isn’t him. I don’t know what to do Tas… I just don’t know…

Tas: Nusaybah I think.. Just listen to your mum. She knows better than us.Your mum saw more years than us… She has way better judgement… And if this was really meant to be, it’ll happen some day.
Me: I seriously thought you were going to take this differently... What will you tell him? Or what should I tell him? This is all my fault I should have just kept quiet about everything … now look what I’ve done!
Tas: I will talk to him, I’ll tell him the truth. I started this, I should finish it.
Tas: No Nusi… I guess it’s actually my fault. I thought I was going about this the right and halal way by making a group and having you’ll ask you’lls parents permission first, but the truth is, I was very wrong.
Me: What do you mean? I don’t get you…
Tas: I didn’t realise it until after I shared the whole story with my mother out of excitement of how well things turned out this weekend and how there were sparks between the two of you. My Mum was very upset with me and asked how I could’ve done such a stupid thing. She said, “You thought you were doing your friend a favor but what you did in reality was tear a daughter away from her mother. You might have had the right intention but you could’ve done what you wanted to do, but in the right way by coming to me first. I would’ve spoken to her mother and her mother could’ve contacted his parents if they were interested. Did you really think her mother would’ve said yes after feeling undermined by a bunch of youngsters demanding to get their way, claiming that they were just wanting to do things the ‘RIGHT WAY’ islamically? Like she doesn’t know what’s right islamically?”
Tas: It only hit me then how wrong I really was. I’m really sorry and I want to extend the apology to bath your parents and his. I don’t want you going behind their backs and talking to him anymore ok…. Let it be now… Its what is best. Don’t blame yourself. If this was truly meant to be, it would’ve been. Just remember… That what is to come is better than what has gone by.

I also hadn’t thought of it that way before. I was so sure I was doing everything the right way when in actual fact it was the total opposite. Suddenly I started feeling very guilty.

Tas: So if this is it… As hard as it will be, let it go… Without your parents blessings, nothing will go right for you and with it, everything will turn out just fine.
Tas: Now Nusi… Promise me… No haraam contact with this guy now? You accept your mums decision? No sneaking off to meet him or chatting after leaving the group? You can keep in touch with Aafiyah though.
Me: No! Astaghfirullah Tas I’m not like that anymore.
Tas: I know silly… I just want you to promise.
Me: I promise. I just wonder how Aafiyah is going to take all this.
Me: So where do we go from here?
Tas: I deleted the group, now I will send you his parting message… And then you can reply when you are free and I will send it to him. Then that’s it… no more chatting, from both your side AND mine! I was so caught up in trying to make you guys keep things halal that I totally did the opposite by chatting to him myself on your behalf.
Me: I love you Nemo
Tas: I love you too… And I’m so sorry my sister.

I sat in my room, with my thoughts. Mum came and knocked on my door a while after she was done filling her samoosas. “Listen Nusaybah…”, she began as she sat down at the foot of my bed, “Ramadhaan is about to enter our lives again and I don’t want us to go into it this way.” I looked at her with a pool forming in my eyes, “I know. I’m sorry Mum. I just want you to know that although I really think that Riaz was the one for me, I respect your judgment and your wish. I will no longer be in contact with him.”, I said. Mum looked confused, “Are you being sarcastic?”. “No no! I’m not… I’m serious. I know I was wrong and Tasneem is as sorry as ever too. I love you Mum and I don’t want to destroy what we have for anyone…” Mum hugged me tight and a part of me hoped that in that moment she would change her mind. But she didn’t…”Good girl.”, she said, kissing me on my forehead beforetelling me to go and get ready for salaah. I picked my phone up to check the time and saw a message from Tasneem. My heart was pounding just as opened the text…

Tas: Here is his last message….
As For My Final Message, Just So That She Knows How Positive I Am That Our Lives Will Be Just As Physically, Mentally, And Spiritually Perfect, If Not Even BETTER In-sha-Allah, Without Each Other For Now, As They Would Have Been WITH Each Other:

“Allah knows best and I trust that whatever is meant for me will get to me when Allah wants it to”

Me: He quoted me exactly *crying a river*… he actually scrolled all the way up to quote me! </3 Now how on earth am I supposed to respond to that? I can’t do this Nemo. I don’t know how to. I know this might sound crazy, but it hurts! It hurts so bad! It literally feels like my heart is ripping itself out of my body!
Tas: I know my sweetheart, but it will get better. It always does…
Me: Ive never been good with farewells or goodbyes so im going to just follow his lead here. For my last message I’d like to quote something I read:

“Everything happens by the will of Allah. Whatever He wills happens, and whatever He does not will does not happen.”

And so Sadeekun… Just as easily as the perfect guy walked into my life, he walked out too. I know that I will never be able to forget him. After all, he was the first and only decent guy I’ve ever come across. I will just have to take everything with a pinch of salt and just move on. It could take forever, but there is nothing I can do now. It’s left in Allah’s hands. I’m trying to look at the positives in my life instead, like I’ve lived to see another Ramadhaan and also I’m soon to be an aunt! Just make dua for me Sadeekun… Make Dua.


Riaz POV

This weekend was something else. I had never experienced anything like it. Nusaybah and I got on so well and we had so much in common. What attracted me from the start was her ability to look past my condition and see me for the person that I truly am. I could hardly wait to tell Mum everything. I just needed to wait for the right time (When Aafiyah was away at school). Mum had some concerns but nothing we couldn’t work out. “At least she didn’t say NO right?”, I thought to myself.

Just before Asr I got a message from Sister Tasneem. I took it as a sign that Nusaybah was now free and that we could discuss our parents concerns further, but I was stopped dead in my tracks.

Sister Tasneem: Assalaamu-Alaikum-Wa-Rahmatulahi-Wa-Barakaatu
Sister Tasneem: I needed to talk to you…
Me: Wa-alaikumus-salaam
Me: Oh Oh
Sister Tasneem: Nusaybah spoke to her Mum…
Sister Tasneem: Thing is.. She wasn’t too happy that Nusaybah was going to be talking to anyone for marriage in the first place… But after some persuasion, she agreed to let her just talk. I don’t think she expected it to turn out that you two would get along so well and have so much in common. Nusaybah took a liking to you and tried everything to convince her mum.. but her Mum is adamant about the whole thing, saying that Nusaybah isn’t ready for marriage yet and she should focus on her studies and her work.

She went on to say that Nusaybah actually thought that I was perfect, but she doesn’t want to disobey her parents. Her Mum also feels that Mozambique is too far out.

Sister Tasneem: So…. What do you think?

I didn’t need much time to reply to this one. I already knew where this was going from the moment she said she needed to talk.

Me: Right, so, first thing I was thinking of as you were typing and sending all of that bit by bit, was a quote you mentioned much earlier on that apparently she had said before any of these conversations in the group even began, which was, and I quote:

“Allah knows best and I trust that whatever is meant for me will get to me when Allah wants it to”
Me: Second thought was that I totally understand and respect her mother’s feelings as they’re just purely natural, and they’re the kind of ones that I feel ANY mother is allowed to have. In fact, my mother’s biggest concern, since yesterday MORNING only was the 2 year contract as well, pointing out that it’ll be VERY difficult for EITHER of us to focus on whatever we’re doing during that time, especially giving an example of my kaki who was a teacher as well in UK, and who had to complete a 5 month teaching/learning commitment of hers before moving to Mozambique to move in with my Kaka, and who labelled those 5 months as ‘hell’.
Me: And that’s just ONE Example, there’s been quite a few really within my cousins and Aunties also where similar situations have happened, where the feeling after marriage/engagement has been so strong, that they just had to cancel their commitments and it’s affected their education, and thus their FUTURE pretty much as well, tremendously. One of the LAST things I’d want to happen, whether it’s ‘because of’ me, or ANYONE else is see Sister Nusaybah struggle like that as well.
Me: And I Mean, What Else Is Left For Me To Say Now? Does All That Suffice?

Truth is… I didn’t know what more to say. I won’t lie, it was upsetting to a point. I wish I knew her mother’s concerns before I allowed myself to start feeling this way, but that’s life and the only person who will be hurting if I don’t move on, is me.

Sister Tasneem: I feel so terrible about the turnout… My Mum is upset with me as well for playing cupid. She says I toyed with youll’s lives. For that I am truly sorry.
Sister Tasneem: But who knows… Maybe in 2 years time the two of you would’ve become something and will be ready to settle… (If you’ll hadn’t already)…. And then… Well… What’s meant to be is what will happen.
Me: Please don’t feel terrible. Like you’ve constantly emphasized time and time again, the intentions from your side behind this whole situation were as pure and Halal as possible Alhamdulillah And I can’t thank you enough for that in itself, let alone all the help after Alhamdulillah.
Sister Tasneem: In that case…. I don’t feel terrible… I’m hopeful and trust in Allah.
Sister Tasneem: I hope that Aafiyah and Nusaybah will remain friends though…
Me: I’m VERY Sure Her Newly-Found Friendship With Yourself And Sister Nusaybah Won’t Be Affected In Any Way As She Mentioned Many A Times To Me During All These Conversation About How She Really Doesn’t Want The Group To End (Ie Ofcourse, The Sisterhood Between You 3), And How Much Her Love Of You And Sister Nusaybah Kept Growing The Longer The Chat Went..
Sister Tasneem: Awwwwwwh….
Me: So That’s Not Too Much Of A Concern Once The Group Dissolves In-sha-Allah
Me: As It Is, She Really Needs Y’all Kind Of Friends And Sisters In Her Life With How Similar Y’alls Mindsets And Struggles Are Masha-Allah
Me: So What Would You Recommend We Do Now?
Sister Tasneem: I think… You’ll can end off on a good note… Say what is in youlls heart and leave it at that.

I thought of having to speak to Nusaybah, knowing it might be the last made me quiver. I wasn’t ready to open myself up to that kind of damage.

Me: My Personal Opinion Would Just Be That The Group Dissolves And Whatever Parting (For Now) Message We Have For Each Other, We Send Through You, That Sound Fine?
Sister Tasneem: Sure.. That would be ok with me…
Me: Especially So That The Sting Of The Parting (For Now) For Both Of Us Doesn’t Feel That Strong, Because Of How We’ll Both Always Keep Wanting To Have The Final Message To Each Other On Such A Group Setup Where The Interaction Is More Direct, Make Sense?
Sister Tasneem: Yep.. Totally understand…
Me: Ok Cool, Is She Fine With That?
Sister Tasneem: I’m sure she will be… I already removed her from the group anyway
Me: Ok Cool Jazakallah
Sister Tasneem: Btw… Just for the record… How did you feel it went with her?
Sister Tasneem: Between you and me I mean…
Me: Well I Personally Felt The Attraction Was Definitely There On My Side And The Similarities of Mindsets Were Amazingly Awesome Masha-Allah
Sister Tasneem: I definitely think that the way you two are deciding on handling this, her mother will really have lots of respect for that and it might even make her change her mind at some point… Never know.
Sister Tasneem: I sure do respect it…
Sister Tasneem: I never thought that going for an online samoosa run could be so emotional… I actually felt like we were all literally sitting around a kitchen table and questioning the two of you.
Me: Lol, Yhea, I Really Don’t Know How Aafiyah Will Take This Hey
Sister Tasneem: Probably like how I feel….
Me: Nonetheless, As For My Final Message, Just So That She Knows How Positive I Am That Our Lives Will Be Just As Physically, Mentally, And Spiritually Perfect, If Not Even BETTER Insha-Allah, Without Each Other For Now, As They Would Have Been WITH Each Other:

“Allah knows best and I trust that whatever is meant for me will get to me when Allah wants it to”

Me: Any Suggestions To Improve/Enhance It?
Sister Tasneem: Nope… I pasted it already.
Sister Tasneem: Its a perfect last message btw… If this were a novel… It’s a beautiful ending /start….
Sister Tasneem: And if I were an English teacher…. I’d say that the final message was cleverly written as the chapter ended the way it started… So… To be continued…
Sister Tasneem: And to think…. Before this weekend we were all strangers.
Sister Tasneem: I’ll paste her message when she replies.
Me: Ok Cool Jazakallah, Lol, Specifically Like How You Made Sure You Never Let That Last Message End With ‘..beautiful ending’ Only Masha-Allah
Me: Anywhos, Jazakallah-Khair For Everything Though Once Again, Please Don’t Be Sad That This Never Worked Out The Way I’m Sure Not Only You, But ALL Of Us Wanted It To, Just Consider This The Beginning Of A New And Better Chapter For All Of Us Insha-Allah :)
From Your Team Member, And Most Importantly, Brother In Islam, Riaz Pandor, Ramadhaan Mubarak in advance and Assalamu-Alaikum-Wa-Rahmatullahi-Wa-Barakaatuhu
Sister Tasneem: Ramadhaan Mubarak to you as well, Wa-Alaikum-Salaam-Wa-Rahmatulahi-Wa-Barakaatu

With that, I decided to let it all just go. Only Allah knew where the next 2 years would take us, but for now I’m just going to take it one day at a time In-Sha-Allah.


>>>Sooooo my lovelies… The episode is finally complete. To all those wondering if Real life Riaz and Real life Nusaybah ever got together… well… Their story didn’t go in that direction, but I pray that Allah bless them both with good pious spouses some day In-Sha-Allah.

The reason for telling you guys that parts of this story was based on a true story was to let youll know that it IS possible to find someone the halal way and find a connection (Of course in this case it wasn’t as halal as they thought it was). Please don’t lose hope of finding the right person to share your life with and don’t turn to haraam ways and methods of sifting him/her out. Your life partner is written for you and you will find them in due time. You just have to decide whether you want to find him/her the halal way or not.

So many lessons can be taken from this story between Riaz, Tasneem, Aafiyah and Nusaybah. I’d like to know what was the biggest lesson you as a reader took from their story… Share with us.

Also, anyone interested in writing for this diary, let me know In-Sha-Allah. I will still be around to help with editing and plot. Just can’t handle two diaries on my own at the moment. So if you willing to share the load…. message me!

Don’t forget to Like Us On Facebook and Follow Us On Instagram

Stay Tuned for more on The Diary Of A Sinner<<<


{A CIIYF Production}

Author’s note: I’d like to know what you guys think about the long episodes. Are they what you’ll enjoy reading? Or does the long texts make you sleepy and bored? Please be honest and open coz changes will be made to better suit your reading experience In-Sha-Allah. Enjoy!image

Habibati Sadeekun… (Beloved Friend)

Even though we got down to the more intense questions today, I actually felt more at ease and was comfortable with being myself. I won’t lie, as embarrassing and crazy as Tasneem can be, I don’t know how I could’ve went through this without her. I had a nap after Fajr and then woke up at about 8am and saw that she and Riaz had left a few notifications in the group after Fajr.

Tasneem: The wedding itself… Do you dream of a big fancy thing… Or ?
Tasneem: I will try and think of more questions but in the meantime, Sis Aafiyah… Hit Nusaybah with questions that you know your bro might be too shy to ask.
Riaz: Lol, I Personally Feel That All Further Questions Be Put On Hold Until Nusaybah Gives Her Opinion On ‘The Big Question’ Though, Whenever She’s Ready And Comfortable In Doing So, Wouldn’t That Be A More Appropriate Way To Approach The Progression Sister Tasneem?
Tasneem: Yep of course… Everyone can answer when ready. I’m just putting it out there coz I don’t know when I’ll be able to check in again. I ask maaf if I have overstepped with anyone of you. I hope this works out In-Sha-Allah if it is what is best.
Riaz: Understandable… Ameen.
Tasneem: Annnd I thought of another question… Since it’s such a big thing in our beautiful religion… Where do you both stand when it comes to Salaah?
Tasneem: Right! That’s all from me for now. Assalaamu Alaikum!
Riaz: Wa Alaikum Salaam.

I figured that Riaz hadn’t answered any of the other questions because he was probably stressing over what my answer would be to the previous question about how we would manage the whole distance thing if we did decide to get married.

Me: Alrighty… so I read and reread Riaz’st last big questions answer about 10 times now. I’m actually quite happy with it, although, I would just prefer a proper nikkah rather than a ‘skype nikkah’. As for Tasneem’s question about the wedding, I’ve always wanted a small wedding nothing big, nothing fancy. I feel it’s completely unislamic and wrong but of course I’m willing to sway a little bit. As for the salaah, I read all my namaaz always Alhumdulilah.
Riaz: Right, so, Namaaz-wise, same situation here as well Alhamdulillah, 5 daily since I was about 13.
Riaz: Wedding, EXACT Same Feelings Here, Smallest, Most Halaal Way Possible, No Need To ‘Sway’ In Any Way There In-sha-Allah

Continue reading


{A CIIYF Production}

Habibati Sadeekun… (Beloved Friend)

Even after my best attempt at making Riaz turn away from me so that he wouldn’t have to suffer any embarrassment, he still managed touch my heart even further with his utmost respect, kindness and understanding. I kept reading his response to my condition over and over again. At times I thought that it was just my imagination running away with itself.

I feel, as long as she has someone to accept her for that, and respect/appreciate her regardless, that in itself could be the motivation the body may need to help her produce whatever may be required to help with reproduction, and I’m MORE than willing to be that kind of a person, no matter the eventual result, especially with it being the least I can do to help a fellow Muslimah who’s willing to accept ME with the condition I have.

How could I let this opportunity go? I just HAD to try and convince Mum one last time. I just knew that if I didn’t, I would live the rest of my life, wondering what could’ve been and I’d never be able to allow myself to be happy.

While I waited for Mum to get back from running a few errands, Tasneem kept me company. She was overjoyed at the fact that I wasn’t going to give up so easily.

Continue reading


{A CIIYF Production}

Author’s note: Because of the overwhelming feeling we got from the amount of feedback we got on the previous post, I thought it was only fair to give you guys a bonus post. So this post is specially dedicated to all those who liked, read, and commented because without you guys, this blog would be useless.

Enjoy! 2bce6e29-8a64-4e23-b165-5e83fdaacb4a

Habibati Sadeekun… (Beloved Friend)

Tas: Nusi…
Tas: Are you awake?
Tas: I can’t sleep…
Tas: Please be awake.
Tas: I’m feeling terrible.
Tas: I don’t really know exactly why.
Tas: Well actually… I do.
Tas: It’s because I feel like a terrible friend right now.
Tas: I guess I just don’t want to get you over the moon about it and then maybe his parents end up saying no…
Tas: Then you hate me…
Tas: And blame me for starting all this in the first place.
Tas: Maybe I’m just over thinking this whole thing…
Tas: Let’s just wait to see what his parents say.
Tas: But I just want you to remember
Tas: It may be that you dislike a thing which is good for you and that you like a thing which is bad for you. Allah knows but you do not know. (Qur’an 2:216)
Tas: Whatever is best is what will happen In-Sha-Allah
Tas: Ok… I think I’m done now. Sweet dreams.

17 messages Sadeekun! SEVENTEEN!!!

Me: O..M..G!
Me: You’re PMS’ing aren’t you? Coz SOMETHING has to be wrong with you for you to think it’s normal to message people at this hour.
Me: At like… Half past 4 in the morning you want to talk to me about this?!
Me: There is still A WHOLE HOUR left before fajr! And you know how much this one hour means to the body builders who have to lift blankets when azaan goes.
Me: You’re crazy woman!
Tas: I love you don’t I? Nothing can be crazier than that…
Me: You know… If I didn’t love you back, I would’ve blocked you already.
Tas: Well then, I don’t know how you’re going to put up with Riaz because IF he does marry you… That’s a whole nuda level of crazy!
Me: What?!
Me: I have no words for you… Who would say you’re an APA?!
Tas: …Go sleep woman!

Continue reading


{A CIIYF Production}

Habibati Sadeekun… (Beloved Friend)

When Mum took the phone from Raeesa and held it to her ear, I was expecting the worst. I thought this was it… Dad was finally fired. I looked at Mum with a blank expression on my face. All she kept saying was, “Ok… Uh huh… I see… Alright”. I was so anxious to know what was going on that I even started signing to mum while she was on the phone, she hates that! Usually she would yell at me to stop it and leave her alone coz she is on a call, but this time, she turned me around and sent me out the room, closing the door behind her.

I can’t stand all this uncertainty. On the one hand it’s dad’s job and on the other, it’s this whole marriage thing with… With… that ‘guy’?

I sighed and sat back down at my table, trying to finish my marking to get my mind off wanting to harass Tasneem and Mum for answers. My mind drifted off when I started thinking about how much of my life I spend marking and planning and teaching and marking some more. If you really think about it, teachers sacrifice their lives for the futures of their students, yet they are so unappreciated.

I quickly snapped out of my depressing thoughts when I heard my phone go all crazy on me. It was Tasneem.

Tas: Nusiiii
Tas: Wake up!
Tas: He replied!
Tas: I hope to God you aren’t sleeping!
Tas: I can’t contain my emotions right now!
Tas: Wake up woman!

As silly as this sounds, Tasneem’s chats scare me sometimes. In real life she might be this sweet and innocent Apa, but over chat… Hmph… This chick is a GANGSTA!!! She WILL murder you with those exclamations and caps lock of hers…

Continue reading


{A CIIYF Production}

Author’s note: I know post is late, but like I said, I’m having some data issues at the moment but I hope the long post that I stayed up after midnight to write and post, makes up for the delay. Jazak-Allah for being so patient.


Habibati Sadeekun… (Beloved Friend)

On the way to taaleem today, Tasneem kept shooting me furtive glances. When I returned her look, she smiled a little guiltily, went rosy and then looked away. I frowned in suspicion when it happened more than a few times. “Okay Nemo, spit it out.” I growled. Her eyes went wide and she shook her head a little too fast if you ask me. “It’s nothing.” She said.

I pushed and pushed but she wouldn’t budge. So I smiled knowingly, “What’s wrong? You got a girl crush on me?” I fluttered my eyes for the effect. “I wouldn’t blame you if you did.”, I told her. She giggled and shoved me away. “Eww Astaghfirullah, Stop it, we’re almost here. Now, did you make all the niyyats (intentions) of coming to taaleem?”

She was a master at distraction, I tell you Sadeekun. I smiled and we both rattled off the intentions one by one.

1. I am going for the pleasure of Allah subhanahu wataala.
2. I am going to rectify my mistakes.
3. I am going to meet my mahram sisters for the pleasure of the Almighty.
4. I am going to visit a sick person who might need my help or my prayer.
5. I am going with the intention of learning the deen of Islam.
6. I am going with the intention of i’tikaaf until I return home.
7. I am going to join the gathering of deen with the intention of practicing upon what I learn.
8. I am going with the intention of helping someone who might need my assistance.

The afternoon passed in almost a blur, and I invited Tasneem to come over for iftaar. I’ve only recently found out what a grave sin it is to not keep the missed fasts of Ramadhaan, so I’ve made my intention to start keeping them for all the ones I’ve missed over the years. Tasneem plays a big role in it though, even though her fasts have already been kept, she decided to be my fasting buddy so that I wouldn’t have to do it alone. It really makes a big difference when you know someone else is also fasting with you, even if they aren’t living in the same house as you.

We fast every Monday and Thursday so that Tasneem can keep it as a Sunnah fast and I just keep it as Qaza. Also, the space between days gives us time to work up some energy before fasting the next one. Mum even joins in now and then. She says we inspire her. Who knew? A small sincere act can go quite a long way, and I didn’t even have to preach about it.

Continue reading


{A CIIYF Production}

Habibati Sadeekun… (Beloved Friend)

I’m really starting to worry about Daddy. He had been coming home stressed out everyday all week and he doesn’t seem to be enjoying work as much as he used to either. When he came home last night the table had already been set and Mum’s delicious chicken ukni was sitting perfectly in the middle. The aroma filled the house, making my tummy grumble. Before I knew it, I was already sitting at the table and waiting to dig in. “Wait for your father Nusaybah.”, Mummy scolded as I was just about to pinch a grain of rice from the bowl.

Mum was more of a lioness… She always gave Dad to eat first, then she would dish out for us and then finally scrape the bottom to dish out for herself. The only difference between us and a pride of lions were that we enjoyed sitting to eat together as a family. Last night was different though… Dad said he didn’t want to eat and went straight to bed. Mum followed him into the room to find out what was wrong while I sat awkwardly alone at the table.

I figured he was just not feeling too well, which usually meant that he didn’t have an appetite and could only eat soup, which meant that there was more food for me! A loud grumble in my tummy gave me permission to dig in while the adults were away. A nagging feeling kept telling me to go and find out what was going on, but I was too hungry to bother listening to it. Mum hadn’t come back out the room and when I was done eating, there was nothing holding me back from being the investigator that I usually am.

Continue reading


{A CIIYF Production}

Habibati Sadeekun… (Beloved Friend)

The sky was dull and the clouds were dark. I knew there was a storm coming on. “30 second rule.. 30 second rule.. 30 second rule.”, I chanted, reminding myself to act mature and take the necessary precautions during the storm.

I thought of Mr. Hutsan, our high school science teacher and tried to remember his words, “If the time between a lightning flash and the resulting thunder is 30 seconds or less, in other words, 9.7 km or less, get to shelter immediately.”

“Come on Nemo! Hurry!! The lightning is so close! 2 seconds would be… Uh… Around 650 metres I think.”, I grabbed her arm and tried to speed walk to my house.
“Relax! Just calm down!”, Tasneem replied casually.
“Calm down?! Oh Ok… Good afternoon mam. I will be the waiter tonight. How would you like me to serve you to your parents? Medium rare or well done?”

Tasneem chuckled like I was crazy. It was like she had no idea how dangerous the situation really was. We were outside in the open, surrounded by tall street lights, electrical wiring and trees, plus we were still 5 minutes away from home. We were practically begging to be struck by lightning.

“Nusi you know you’re only making it worse right?”, she raised an eyebrow.
“What are you talking about? I’m saving your life because YOU’RE certainly not worried about it.”, I scolded. I was panicking for the both of us!
“Holding me only increases the chances…”, she looked pointedly at the way I was holding her arm.
“Ok miss smarty pants… Let’s see how you get us home safely since you are the reason we are out here right now. I told you we should’ve left earlier but you didn’t listen.”, I let go of her arm and huffed.

Continue reading


{A CIIYF Production}

Habibati Sadeekun… (Beloved Friend)

I couldn’t get much sleep last night. I kept tossing and turning and before I knew it, it was already around Tahajjud time. A voice in my head encouraged me to get up and make wudhu. I could just picture Tasneem recite the Hadith in which The Prophet (S.A.W) said,

“The Lord descends every night to the lowest heaven when one-third of the night remains and says: ‘Who will call upon Me, that I may answer Him? Who will ask of Me, that I may give him? Who will seek My forgiveness, that I may forgive him?’” [Sahih Al-Bukhari and Muslim]

Of all the things I wanted, the biggest thing was His forgiveness. In these past few years I had lost who I was and I had lost sight of the true purpose I was put onto this earth, to worship Allah (S.W.T) alone. The more I thought about it, the more I realised how everything I had done so far was all to please everyone else and never for Allah. I was so ashamed but grateful at the same time that Allah has given me yet another chance to come back to Him. Even though my past mistakes have scarred me for life, they serve as a reminder to be grateful for Allah’s infinite mercy.

I didn’t bother putting the bathroom light on since there was enough light coming through from the passageway. With all the load shedding, I thought I’d take some small steps to help out from my side. As I lifted my sleeves to put my hand under the cool water, a faint glimmer of light from the passage bounced off the bracelet on my wrist, catching my eye.

I had gotten so used to wearing it, that it had become part of my life without me even realising it. I turned my wrist over and there it sat, the two charms ‘N’ and ‘S’ next to each other. Ironically, it sat on my radial artery used for checking pulse.

Continue reading