4#[THE DIARY OF A SINNER- Season 5]

{A CIIYF Production}

Author’s note: SOME parts of the following episode is based on a true story which happened to a very close friend of mine. The reason for telling you guys this will be revealed soon enough. Enjoy!

PS: I know post is late, but like I said, I’m having some data issues at the moment but I hope the long post that I stayed up after midnight to write and post, makes up for the delay. Jazak-Allah for being so patient.

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Habibati Sadeekun… (Beloved Friend)

On the way to taaleem today, Tasneem kept shooting me furtive glances. When I returned her look, she smiled a little guiltily, went rosy and then looked away. I frowned in suspicion when it happened more than a few times. “Okay Nemo, spit it out.” I growled. Her eyes went wide and she shook her head a little too fast if you ask me. “It’s nothing.” She said.

I pushed and pushed but she wouldn’t budge. So I smiled knowingly, “What’s wrong? You got a girl crush on me?” I fluttered my eyes for the effect. “I wouldn’t blame you if you did.”, I told her. She giggled and shoved me away. “Eww Astaghfirullah, Stop it, we’re almost here. Now, did you make all the niyyats (intentions) of coming to taaleem?”

She was a master at distraction, I tell you Sadeekun. I smiled and we both rattled off the intentions one by one.

1. I am going for the pleasure of Allah subhanahu wataala.
2. I am going to rectify my mistakes.
3. I am going to meet my mahram sisters for the pleasure of the Almighty.
4. I am going to visit a sick person who might need my help or my prayer.
5. I am going with the intention of learning the deen of Islam.
6. I am going with the intention of i’tikaaf until I return home.
7. I am going to join the gathering of deen with the intention of practicing upon what I learn.
8. I am going with the intention of helping someone who might need my assistance.

The afternoon passed in almost a blur, and I invited Tasneem to come over for iftaar. I’ve only recently found out what a grave sin it is to not keep the missed fasts of Ramadhaan, so I’ve made my intention to start keeping them for all the ones I’ve missed over the years. Tasneem plays a big role in it though, even though her fasts have already been kept, she decided to be my fasting buddy so that I wouldn’t have to do it alone. It really makes a big difference when you know someone else is also fasting with you, even if they aren’t living in the same house as you.

We fast every Monday and Thursday so that Tasneem can keep it as a Sunnah fast and I just keep it as Qaza. Also, the space between days gives us time to work up some energy before fasting the next one. Mum even joins in now and then. She says we inspire her. Who knew? A small sincere act can go quite a long way, and I didn’t even have to preach about it.

Just as we got home I was itching to ask Tasneem what she was keeping from me, but she kept masterfully evading every one of my questions. Finally, I flopped on our couch, pouting when Raeesa walked into the living room.
“What’re you whining about Saybah?” She wanted to know.
I miserably pointed out my dilemma. She grinned at my expression, “Maybe it is ‘nothing’, why don’t you just drop it, if it’s something for real, she’ll get around to telling you about it.” I looked at her in surprise, she wasn’t normally so harsh in her advice, but then lately she’s really been acting a little bonkus.

I frowned at her, “I’m curious by nature. What if she’s got something really juicy to tell me but she’s not telling me?”
“She doesn’t.” Tasneem said from her perch on the musullah. “Yet.” She added with a wink.
“Aha!!” I exclaimed, “so there IS something!!”
She just smiled sweetly, but before I could say anything further, mum came in to tell us to set the table for iftaar.
“Don’t bother setting a plate for your father. He is probably going to be late again tonight.” Mum added before heading back to the kitchen. Tasneem looked at me with a confused but inquisitive look on her face. She knew something was up.

We fetched the dishes from the kitchen and as we walked around the table, setting each place one at a time, I began explaining everything to Tasneem, “You see, Dad was hired to set things straight in the shop because there was some theft going on while the boss was away. So, being the new manager, Dad convinced his boss to put in security measures at work. But now that the theft is even worse than it was before he started working there…”
“…the boss thinks he has something to do with it.” Tasneem completed my sentence and then commented on it, “That’s terrible Saybah! I remember you telling me briefly about it.”
“I know! And lately Dad has been coming home late because he does stock taking every single day so that he can try and figure out how stock is going missing and how often it is going missing.”
“It must be so tiring, not to mention frustrating…”
“It is! Mum is trying to be strong for him, but I know it’s killing her to see him so stressed out. He brings his lunch home from work and doesn’t even eat much when he is home. He hardly sleeps because he is up all night trying to think of a way to stop the theft.”
“Oh no…”
“You know Nemo… Mum doesn’t know that I know that she has been surfing the web for jobs in case Dad is fired. She keeps saying that nothing bad is going to happen and that everything is going to be alright but I know deep down she knows that IT IS going to happen. She tries to push out baking orders as much as possible, but its not enough.”
“She’s right though. Nothing bad will happen… Allah has a greater plan. Whatever does happen is for the best. Everything will fall into place and then you will look back to this time and either regret not putting your trust in Allah, or be most grateful and pleased for doing so.”
“I do trust Allah… I do. I just… I just wish there was more that I could do you know? With the starting amount I’m getting paid, it just about covers the rent only.”
“What about your brother?”
“He used to contribute a lot towards the house but recently he has just been giving enough to cover his share of the phone and electricity bill and only a portion of groceries for him and Raeesa.”
“I’m sure there is a good reason for that…”
“I really don’t care though. I knew this time would eventually come. We live in the same house but I barely see him anymore.”

I took in a deep breath to let out a sigh. Tasneem looked down sadly and then back up at me and said, “Our Prophet (S.A.W) said: “There are three prayers that are not rejected: the prayer of a father for his child, the prayer of the FASTING PERSON and the prayer of the traveller.” (Abu Dawood)”. I smiled knowing what she was getting at, but inside I was fighting myself to keep on believing and trusting in Allah. Saying the words were easy, but deep down, I knew I was only hanging on by a thread of hope, and THAT scared me even more than dad losing his job.

As we got seated at the table, I raised my hands in Dua but didn’t know what to ask for, I was blank. I closed my eyes to block out the world and spoke from my mind and heart:

“My Lord… I know You can hear me and I also know that You know what I’m going to say even before I do but I will continue anyway… Everything feels like it is going so wrong in our lives right now, but I know You have a master plan and that all will be revealed in due time. The only thing I wish to ask of You is to please not leave me. Although I have been praying, lately I feel distant from You. I don’t know what it is but please… I beg of You my Lord, please don’t leave me. I NEED YOU in my life. I am nothing without your guidance. I am at constant war with myself and the whispers of shaitan. I know this is a test, that’s why today I don’t wish to ask of You to make things easier, but instead to let me pass this test easily.

The sound of Maghreb Azaan pulled me back into reality. We read our Dua when breaking fast:

اللَّهُمَّ اِنِّى لَكَ صُمْتُ وَبِكَ امنْتُ [وَعَلَيْكَ تَوَكَّلْتُ] وَعَلَى رِزْقِكَ اَفْطَرْتُ

Transliteration:
Allahumma Inni laka sumtu wa bika amantu [wa alayka tawakkalto]* wa ‘ala rizqika aftartu

O Allah! I fasted for You and I believe in You [and I put my trust in You] and I break my fast with Your sustenance. [Abu Dawud]

*[“wa ‘alayka tawakkaltu” is quoted in some books of knowledge – but not all, hence it is in brackets]

I usually don’t like eating dates because as a child, Luqmaan did something disgusting and put me off eating raisons. To my eyes, dates just look like giant raisons so it’s so difficult to swallow. But because of the Hadith in which it was narrated that Anas ibn Maalik said: “The Prophet (S.A.W) used to break his fast before praying by eating fresh dates, and if there were no fresh dates he would eat dried dates; if there were no dried dates, he would have a few sips of water.” [Abu Dawood] , I try my best to follow the sunnah of having it.

Mum knows how hard it is for me to eat a whole date, so she tried out this recipe to make it easier for me. It tastes just like a kajoor but with a different appearance and texture, which were my two reasons for me having to fight myself to eat it in the first place.

INGREDIENTS
Kajoor
Butter
Marie Biscuits
Dessicated Coconut

METHOD
Remove date seeds and drop cleaned kajoor into a pan with butter. Take off from stove and let cool. Crush Marie biscuits and add to kajoor. Throw in some coconut and roll into logs and cover in more coconut before wrapping in foil and storing away in fridge.

After having a slice from the kajoor log and drinking a few sips of water along with munching on a bhajiya or two, we headed upstairs to read Salaah and when we were done we came back to have supper. Mum had laid out the food on the table while we read Salaah so that we would concentrate on Salaah instead of thinking about the food on the table. We had some chicken curry and rice for iftaar. It wasn’t anything fancy, but to a fasting person, EVERYTHING is fancy.

When we were done eating, we helped Aunty Jane tidy up and then went to my room to chill for a while before Tasneem’s dad came to fetch her.

“So….” Tasneem started. “Soo?” I asked, making my way to my study table in the corner of my room. I had some marking to finish so I got started on that.
“How’s your Dadi and Dada doing?” She wanted to know.
“They are alright Alhumdulilah. I spoke to my Dadi the other night and she sounded super excited.” I told her.
“Awww Really? How come? What romantic thing did Dada do this time?” Tasneem winked at me, chuckling.
“Well… It’s not really Dada, but my uncles. They are saving up to send my Dadi and Dada together for Haj this year.” I explained.
“Wow Masha-Allah!! That’s amazing!” Nemo exclaimed. I could hear the excitement in her voice. Tas is someone who loves hearing when good things happen to other people.

“Aha… Tell me about it! Imagine going all the way to the Kaaba to worship your Lord with the love of your life by your side?”
“Ooohhh Saybah! What could be more romantic than that?!”
“Aha… You know, speaking of romance… I bumped into my FAVORITE high school teacher the other day at the store. He was with a lady. I thought he got married and was so excited for him because he was the ONE male teacher at school who was old but not married. If you ask anyone in our class about the story of ‘the lady in blue’, they will tell you to get comfy because it was a LONG but sweet story.”
“So what’s the short version then?” Tas asked curiously.
“Short version is that he liked this girl a loooooot and that they had been friends since childhood. (Astaghfirullah… I know… White people, what can I say?) So anyway, he did everything he could to make her fall in love with his best friend so that he would still see her smile, but at the same time not hurt her if anything happened to him. ” I told Nemo.
“I don’t understand… What do you mean?”

As I explained my teacher’s medical condition to Tas, she seemed to have zoned out. It was like her mind was elsewhere.
“Uh… Nemo!” I yelled out to get her attention.
“Huh? Yeah… That’s so sad.” She said, snapping out of her day dream.
“But in a way sweet… kinda… Coz no matter how much he likes someone, he doesn’t want them to hurt when he dies so he stays away.” I added, still marking papers while I talked.

Tasneem didn’t say anything, she just listened. “Oh no.” I mumbled when I pulled out the next paper for marking. “What is it?” Tasneem asked. “Robbie… This child Eyh. He drives me nuts at school! You should hear the things he asks me!” I complained. “Oh it can’t be that bad.” Tasneem chuckled.
“Oh but it is. Imagine one of your madressah kids asking you ‘Apa, how many boys did you kiss before?’ What would you think huh?” I shook my head. Tasneem gasped and then there was a silence before Tasneem leaned over my desk and whispered, “Maybe… He has a teacher crush on you.”
“What?! Noooo… Sies Nemo.” I joined her in laughter.
“I haven’t yet lost ALL hope in finding a husband my age.” I joked.

When our laughter died down, Tasneem looked down and thought for a second before looking back up at me and saying, “Can I tell you something without you getting angry?”. “Aaaah… Finally. The confession I’ve been waiting and begging for all day.” I said, putting my pen down, smirking and swinging my chair around to face Tasneem. She frowned and then continued, “Well.. Uhm… There’s this new admin I have to work with on the Youth website we’re running and I thought… Of… Hooking you up. So I asked him if he was interested in getting married because I have a friend that would be perfect for him…. ”
My eyebrows shot right up, “I DID NOT see THAT ONE coming.”
“Just let me finish before freaking out Ok.” She said with a pleading look on her face. I reclined into my chair and gestured for her to continue.
“He messaged back to say that he was grateful for my concern and that he doubts that anybody would want to marry him.”
“What!? Why? Don’t tell me he is a divorcee…” I slapped my forehead and covered my eyes.
“I also thought it was because he has a shady past or something… But no. It was something else. But before I tell you what it is, I want to first make it crystal clear that the ONLY reason I put you out there was because I have been working with him for quite some time now and he comes across as someone who is very God conscious and pious. I don’t even know what he looks like.” She said.

I felt myself sitting on the edge of my seat, waiting to find out what happens in the next episode of this story.
“Ok…” I rolled my hand to signal for her to keep going.
“Anyway.. He explained that he has a medical condition and he sent me a video about it for more details. Before it finished downloading, I had told him about what you said to me about the only thing mattering to you is that your life partner is a PRACTISING Muslim.” she said before sitting down and continuing.
“He was blown away Saybah… He said it was noble of you to think that way and he also said that he didn’t feel worthy of you. He said that he wouldn’t want you to have to bear the burden of his condition and that he prays you find somebody deserving of your noble character…” Tasneem told me.

I felt a little tug on my heart at that point. He didn’t know me, yet he already cared for my future.
“OK … what’s the condition? Did you tell him about my problems? Cause that’ll make him rethink his worth.”
“No! You crazy child… I wouldn’t tell him all that. That’s not my place.” Tasneem scolded before whipping out her phone to show me the video that explains his condition, “Watch the video and you will understand.”

Complex Regional Pain Syndrome (CRPS) is a chronic pain condition most often affecting one of the limbs, usually after an injury or trauma to that limb. CPRS is believed to be caused by damage to, or malfunction of, the peripheral and central nervous systems. It is characterized by severe pain, swelling, and changes in the skin and it has no definitive cure.

Basically, it is a condition in which the person battles excruciating pain deep in their nerves, striking like sharp stabbing bolts of electricity for no apparent reason. Something as slight as a breeze could set off unbearable horrific pain. I’m sure people who live with CRPS sufferers have to be extremely patient and understanding. I guess it’s easy when you love the person.

“I wasnt going to tell you about it… But after the way you spoke about your teacher… I thought maybe you should know that someone felt that way about you too.” Tas said as I trailed off in thought.

Everyone deserves love. There are people out there without limbs and Allah sends them life partners who love them with every breath they take. His condition doesn’t put me off in any way. Yes there might be some challenges, but I’m more concerned about what he will think of my condition.

I snapped out of my thoughts when I heard Tasneem rambling, “I hope you didn’t mind me opening my big mouth. With your recent samoosa run disasters, I DID tell you I’d keep an eye out for potential suitors and I didn’t know about the condition when I asked… Plus we don’t make small talk, so there was no way of knowing. When we do talk, it’s in a group about the youth website. The only reason he messaged me separately that day was to find out what he should refer to me as because he assumed I was an elder in the group. Anyway… Because of the respect he had and all the Islamic work he has been doing and stuff… I took a shot in the dark. You’re not angry are you? I’ll be careful in future. Ok wait… You know what, just forget I said anything. Let’s act like it didn’t happen.”

“I’m not angry at all Tas! Relax… I know you were just looking out for me and I love you for that! And… It’s so sweet of him to think the way he does. Honestly, right now I’m the one who doesn’t feel worthy of him. Yes, he has a medical condition but I haven’t always been so close to Allah and that’s a human mistake not something medical.” I told her. She looked puzzled, yet relieved at the same time.
“You can tell him that I don’t have a problem. He shouldn’t take himself off like that. We all have problems, I do too, but we just have to believe that Allah knows what’s best for us and when He decides that two people are meant for each other, even medical conditions won’t stop them from being together. I’ve made peace with my condition and I hope he does too.” I said, smiling at Tasneem’s shocked expression.

“Ok wait… Now I’m confused. Let’s say… He allows himself to marry you, even though he feels guilty about it… Will you not feel bad about having to comfort him with his pains?” Tasneem asked me seriously.
“No I wouldn’t. Why would I feel bad about that?”, I raised an eyebrow.
“Coz…” She looked at me like I should’ve known her answer because it was so obvious. “Cozzzz?” I stared at her blankly.
“Coz that’s what he thinks would happen, that’s why he feels he doesn’t deserve anyone.” She finally said.
“If we had to get married, I know what I’m getting myself into yes? I know he has this condition and I know that I’ll have to be there for him. If I know this then why would I feel bad about it?” I asked her, picking up my pen to continue marking.
“Subhan-Allah…Wow… Uhm… So… what should I do now? Should I create a group so that you’ll could talk with family to keep things halal? Or… I don’t know. What?” Tasneem asked. For the first time Tasneem didn’t have answers for something.
“I don’t know. Ask him maybe? In the mean time, I will do more research on his condition. The fact that he’s trying to protect me even though he doesn’t know me… I don’t even know how to explain how that makes me feel Nemo.” I looked at her in excitement, trying not to start building castles in the sky just yet.
“I’m so excited, yet so scared at the same time. This is the first time IN MY LIFE that I’ve tried playing match maker, so I’m quite new to all of this so forgive me.” She told me while typing hysterically on her phone.
“Tell me what he says…” I found myself saying, wishing he would reply faster.
“My messages aren’t even being delivered. Maybe his phone is off..”

I groaned… This was just great. Here I was, putting myself out there once more, just waiting for someone to knock me down again. What if this whole ‘condition’ story is his way of telling Tasneem, ‘No Thanks… Not interested!’ ??

In all that, Mum came upstairs to let us know that Tasneem’s dad had come to pick her up. She got her stuff together and gave me a quick hug, made Salaam and left.

I couldn’t sleep, couldn’t concentrate on marking, couldn’t even think straight. I kept looking at my phone, waiting for Tasneem to say something. I went to Mum’s room to find out if Dad had left the shop as yet but ended up confiding in her instead. I didn’t tell her anything about his medical condition. All I said was that Tasneem may have found someone for me but nothing is finalised as yet. I only then realised that I didnt even know this guys name. Surprisingly, Mum was actually glad and told me to let her know of any new “developments”. I rolled my eyes and chuckled at her formality.

While we spoke, Raeesa came running upstairs with the phone, saying that Dad called and said that he needed to speak to Mum urgently. My heart started racing… What could possibly be so urgent at this hour??

Nusaybah

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Allah says in the Holy Quran,
“And marry those among you who are single and those who are fit among your male slaves and your female slaves; if they are needy, Allah will make them free from want out of His grace; and Allah is Ample-giving, Knowing.” (Surah an-Nur, 24:32)

WitH 8% bAttErY LiFE LEFt… I’m PoSTInG ThIS WITh ThE HopE You GuyS TaKE LEssOn FrOm the nExT few EpiSoDEs In-Sha-Allah<<<

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5 thoughts on “4#[THE DIARY OF A SINNER- Season 5]

  1. Loved it 👌🏼👌🏼👌🏼

    Lessons shud definitely be learnt to not be shallow and react like Nusaybah💖

    Awsum writing as always 😘

    Like

  2. MashAllah lovely post! Certainly some things to really think about. We all think about marrying someone that is healthy and strong. But the reality is that not everyone has that good health and they certainly do need a chance in marriage as well. It surely takes a patient and caring person to commit to someone with health issues. That’s also one of my fave recipes too, though my kids usually eat it while it’s still warm. Looking forward to your next post.

    Like

  3. Wow, Masha Allah, What a Halal way of approaching marriage rather than talking privately.:P

    Like

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