22#[THE DIARY OF A SINNER – Season 4]

{A CIIYF Production}

Habibi Sadeekun… (Beloved Friend)

I found myself waiting for just ONE more chance to see her beautiful face and hear her beautiful voice Sadeekun. I didn’t want to go yet, I needed just a few more minutes…

Minutes that I had run out of.

After telling Nusaybah about Naseerah and that drama, I could tell that something was off, even though Nusaybah pretended that everything was all well and good. I couldn’t sleep knowing she’s hurting. The thought of her rejecting me after we’ve come this far, sent shivers down my spine.

I needed her to know that I knew what I wanted and that I’d chosen her for a reason. I want Nusaybah to be the mother of my children and my wife in Jannah. I had to show her face-to-face that I meant it. So I thought of a plan just before my tummy started growling. All that arguing had given me an appetite.

I wouldn’t normally scratch through other people’s fridges but Sameer’s Mum, Aunty Fathima, insisted that I feel at home. She even gave me the rundown of everything they had in the fridge and cupboards.

I smuggled my way to the kitchen and found the delicious looking homemade pizza sitting pretty and lonely on the top shelf of the fridge. I took it out and made it hot. I was shocked by how silent the microwave was. Just as a tiptoed to get something to drink, the microwave decided to announce my presence, making extremely loud beeping noises to let the whole house know I was in the kitchen, rummaging through their food. I just stood there shooshing the microwave and frantically pressing buttons but it just wouldn’t stop.

I’ve GOT to get one of those. It’d give everyone mini heart-attacks every time they used it!

After 3 long and loud beeps plus another minute, Sameer and Luqmaan decided that their stomachs wanted a pizza party too. At first it was so embarrassing when they turned up when my face was stuffed, but seeing how cool they were about it made me feel at home.

Like they all say, “Boys will be boys”. It wasn’t long before we were burping and playing ‘spin the bottle’ with one of the empty juice bottles and taking hot sauce shots when we were too chicken to carry out a dare. We stayed up almost all night. It felt like I connected with Nusaybah’s brother and Sameer on a whole new level.

In the morning, I knew if I told anyone I was going to see Nusaybah, they’d send a bodyguard for her. So instead I told them I was going to fill fuel and have a quick car wash before the weekend rush kicked in. And being the good people that they are, they baught it. After the good night we had, I really did feel bad for lying to them.

I didn’t think about how I would do this, until I was standing right at the door. It was too late by then. I just prayed I’d at least get to see Nusaybah.

When she opened the door, my heart went a mile a minute. She told me everyone was still getting ready. It was perfect Sadeekun! It was as if it was just meant to be!

I took her to the kitchen so that if anyone did come, I could escape through the back door without anyone seeing me. I told Nusaybah what she meant to me. Seeing her heart melt through her eyes was such a relief. I knew I’d probably never get a chance to be alone with her again, so I was overcome with this urge to know what it’d feel like to hold her in my arms…

So I did it.

I knew it was wrong Sadeekun. While I was doing it, I felt nothing but guilt. Thinking back now, it wasn’t worth it at all. It wasn’t like in the movies where you hold each other and fall deeper and deeper in love with each other. All that you think about in that moment is getting caught and how wrong it is. The only thing you get out of it is a big fat black dark sin to your name.

I pretended to have enjoyed it and left before anyone saw me. Or so I thought…

After stopping at the garage, I made my way back to Sameer’s Dad’s house. If I had to pull up in a yard like that everyday, I’d be sorted!

It wasn’t too long before Nusaybah and her family came over. Sameer’s Dad announced that we’d have the braai in the evening and that he wanted to take us all out for the day. He gave so many suggestions on places to go, that even Nusaybah’s dad was confused, and he’s the one who lives in the area. “You know what, let’s just have our braai on the mountain tonight, shall we?”, Sameer’s Dad said excitedly, finally making up his mind.

Breakfast was ready and Aunty Fathima called the ladies to the kitchen while the men got seated at the dinning room table. “You’ll will just have to manage without the women today because it looks like they’re on strike until we agree to wash the dishes.”, Sameer’s Dad joked. “No man. I hope you’ll don’t mind. The ladies will eat in the kitchen and we’ll eat out here.”, he said before he explained the islamic reason behind it.

While having breakfast, a caravan pulled up in the driveway. I couldn’t believe my eyes! I had never seen one up close in real life before -EVER! “Nazeem! You’re over-doing it now. Com’on now, I didn’t ask for all this.”, I heard Nusaybah’s Dad mumble to Sameer’s dad. “Your daughter is my daughter is she not? Let me spoil her a little.”, Uncle Nazeem said while opening the front gate.

It was the first time in my life that I saw a giant size caravan like this. It was more like bus size but modern. If they were aiming to impress us, they’ve truly outdone themselves. This was going to be an awesome proposal story to tell our kids some day…

After breakfast, I helped Sameer and Luqmaan pack the caravan and off we went. For a good 10 minutes I even forgot Nusaybah existed. I was so excited about the caravan and it’s incredible power, that I didn’t even notice that she was sitting right across from me.

Uncle Nazeem planned out the whole trip. We’d reach the lake by lunch time and the mountain top by supper. I was so excited, I even logged on to Facebook to let the world know what I was up to. I had been doing that from even before I got here. While checking my notifications, I noticed that Nusaybah had changed her Facebook relationship status to ‘Engaged’ and Facebook wanted me to confirm that she was engaged to me. I picked my head up and looked at her, I felt butterflies in my stomach when she smiled right back at me. I really felt like this was just a dream. I hit the ‘Accept’ button in an attempt to convince myself that this was really happening and then I was redirected to the post confirming we were engaged. There were comments from all Nusaybah’s friends, congratulating her and wishing her all the best. There were demands for wedding invites and also some who even refused to come unless we served mutton biryaani at the wedding. Can you believe the nerve?!

I put my phone down when Sameer’s little one caught my eye. I could almost see the imagination cloud above Nusaybah’s head as she watched me playing with him. She watched us with so much love in her eyes, I was certain she was picturing us with 4 kids.

I texted Nusaybah to ask her why she was blushing…

Me: Sooo…
Saybah: ?
Me: Are those rosey cheeks a result of my doing ooor?
Saybah: Uhhmm… Lets go with ‘or’. *Laughs*
Me: So I was right… you’re checking out Ubaidullah hmm?
Saybah: Lmao… Mmm, he IS quite the looker isn’t he?
Saybah: *Drooling*
Me: Aha… He seems to be very fond of me too. Ya need me to put in a word for you?
Saybah: Oh would you?! Really?! Just don’t mention my age. Hopefully by the time he turns 8 I’ll still look youthful…
Me: Youthful? I’d say you look rather ravishing *Wink*
Saybah: *Laughs* Are you hitting on me? Coz you’d better stop now before Ubaidullah decides to mark his territory…
Saybah: And judging from his facial expressions, I believe he’s on the verge of doing so, so you’d better pass him back to his father... Now.

I could never get used to the awful stench that reeks from a baby’s nappy. To tell you the truth, it’s the scariest part about having a baby. Even scarier than sleepless nights or having a woman who is experiencing excruciating pain, squeeze your hand until it turns blue.

Eventually we had reached the lake. Before anything, Sameer and Luqmaan set up the musallahs and gathered everyone to read Namaaz. I felt like such a sinner around them. All they could think about was reading Salaah on time while my mind couldn’t stop thinking about the awesome jet ski that was just calling my name. I felt so terrible knowing that I was so easily sucked into worldly affairs. It scared me that my mundane being was stronger than my spiritual being. It’s all i thought about right through my 12 rakaats.

When we were done praying and having lunch, us boys decided to take the jet ski’s for a test drive. I felt sorry for Humayra (Sameer’s wife) but she didn’t look bothered at all. She stayed back with Ubaidullah. I guess a mother’s life becomes her child’s from the moment they are born.

Raeesa stayed back to keep Humayra company but Nusaybah wasted no time. I don’t think she thought things through before deciding to hang with the boys. I could almost hear Apa buzzing in my ear about how “inappropriate this girl is”. Don’t get her wrong, she’s all about women’s rights. She doesn’t believe that women were made solely for the purpose of reproduction and should live their lives in the background.

That being said, she also strongly believes that women should be able to ride a bike or in this case a jet ski, but well within the boundaries of the shariah law. After all, the shariah was put in to place for a reason – a GOOD reason. To some it may seem unfair, but when you look into the purpose behind it, you’ll see the true beauty and will fall in love with Islam all over again!

If we were married and I was here with my friends and their wives, I’d be so embarrassed right now with Nusaybah’s behavior. I would’ve brought her here some other time when there weren’t men around so that she could’ve had all the fun she wanted and I would’ve baught her a proper head-to-toe muslimah swimsuit. Even though she was given a full body swimsuit, the sleeves were short, her hair was uncovered and the suite was body fitting -Totally unislamic! But hey, she’s in her parents hands for now and since they aren’t saying anything, I guess it’s not my place. All I can say is Masha-Allah for the ladies who actually do go the extra mile and carry their own head covering, loose-fitting, long Muslimah swimsuites.

At one point Nusaybah falls off her jet ski and is taking a while to get back up, Sameer and Luqmaan are so far ahead that they didn’t even notice. My heart starts racing and I turn back for her. Just as i dive in, she comes to the surface. “WHAT is wrong with you?! My parents are watching. What do you think they think we’re doing? Huh?!”, she snaps as she tries to get away from me. Talk about double standards!

After a great lunch, we headed for the mountains. This really was turning out to be the best holiday of my life! The view on the way to the top was amazing, but the actual view from the tip of that enormous mountain was breathtaking. It’s amazing how the waterfall serves as a means to feed all the creatures below from the big animals to the tiny insects. The view of the lake from high up was even more amazing. We all just stood there in awe of Allah’s magnificent and wonderful work.

Sameer, Luqmaan and I got the fire going while our parents all seemed to be getting along and having a good time. Uncle Nazeem decided to do the braaing. I looked over at my fiance-to-be, who was busy sitting with the girls and admiring the sunset. The sun setting behind the mountain with a few rays still striking against the still waters, was a beautiful sight. While everyone watched the sunset, my eyes wouldn’t leave Nusaybah. In that moment all I could think about was how perfect she was. Her eyes caught mine and she raised her eyebrows and bobbed her head in a way to ask “What’s wrong?”. I smiled, blinked my eyes and shook my head, convincing her that it was nothing. She smiled back and gestured for me to come over. I wasn’t too keen, all the ladies were together and the men kept to their section, and here I was, trying to move into the ‘forbidden territory’. As I walked pass her, I whispered “I love you” in her ear. To be honest, I chickened out, pretended to get something, turned right back around and marched back to the mens ‘camp’. Seeing Nusaybah blush because of me, made me feel like the luckiest man on earth!

It was getting dark and Nusaybah and Raeesa were given the task of setting up the table. I was more than happy to offer my services and give Raeesa a rest. We headed to the caravan to get the cups and plates. I helped carry the heavier things like the cooldrink and the chairs. While gathering the things, there was a moment when Nusaybah bumped into me by mistake and apologised profusely. I told her it was ok, after all, one of the downsides to having a caravan that has it all, is the limited walking space. On our second trip back to the caravan, it happened again, and once again, Madam apologised. “Hmm… I’m starting to think you’re doing that on purpose now.”, I joked. She blushed, “Oh really? Well maybe I am…”, she teased, knowing it really was a mistake. “Maybe it’s because you just want to be close to-all-of-this”, I pointed to myself, winking and throwing her a charming smile. She just laughed, “Yeah? How do I know that you’re not just standing in my way on purpose to be close to ALL-OF-THIS”, she spun around and winked.

In that moment I felt for her like I’ve never felt for her before. I was so madly in love with this woman and I just couldn’t wait. In the darkness, I pulled her forward and kissed her. I could feel her chest beat against my rapidly beating heart. My hands on her waist and her hands on my shoulders. She pushed me away when hearing Raeesa call out and ask if Nusaybah needed her help. “No, I’m done! Thanks!”, Nusaybah yelled back. She lifted her hands to show me how they were trembling. At the same time, her cheeks were so red. “You’d better stay out of the light. Or they’ll know something’s up. It’s practically written all over your face!”, I hinted.

Since the eating setup according to uncle Nazeem is that non-mahram Men and Women don’t sit together and eat, Nusaybah and I were forced to keep our hands busy with chops in one hand and our phones in the other, rather than being hand-in-hand.

Me: You’re amazing…
Saybah: We were so close to getting caught!
Me: But we weren’t caught now were we?
Saybah: Hmm…
Me: Relax. Everything is going to be ok. Brb, uncle Nazeem wants some help with the last of the braai meat.

Poor uncle Nazeem had been slogging away at the braai-stand for hours while everyone else gobbled up everything as soon as it was taken off the braai. Some – like Nusaybah’s dad – pinched off the braai-stand itself because he “just couldn’t wait”.

I happily gave him a hand while he started off with small talk. “Technology has drastically advanced huh?”, he said pointing at my phone that I was tucking away in my back pocket. “True, it’s crazy how fast it has developed. I’ve seen the brick phone and smart phone all in my lifetime, and I’m still reaching my prime.”, I shared with him, keeping the conversation going. “And look at how it’s affected our lives… In my time, yes people did wrong, but they’d be ashamed to say it to anyone. There were the few that boasted once or twice but boy did they have a hard time finding wives. BUT SEE, today’s time… everybody knows everybody else’s business, from the food they eat to the colour of their underwear. People boast about EVERYTHING. Today he’s in front of the club, tomorrow in front of the kaaba and two weeks later he’s back to the clubs. Haj is a spiritual journey, but why do people come back unchanged? When there, they focus more on capturing the experience to share with everyone rather than embracing and actually EXPERIENCING the experience.”, he told me. I nodded in agreement while standing with the meat tray saying, “Jee, Jee i get you.”

Just then, Luqmaan came over. “Haafiz Ebrahim! Weigh in here. What’s your take on social media today?”, Uncle Nazeem asked him. “Eyh that thing is bad man. We wonder why teachers don’t get any respect anymore but their personal business is plastered on Facebook and twitter. Once the students befriend them and know the happenings of their daily lives, they lose respect and treat the ustaad like their bra. It got so bad, the ustaad left crying because of 15-year-old brats. While he was trying to teach the owes a lesson, they wee asking him questions about his nikaah being postponed. It was swaak man.”, Luqmaan told us. I didn’t think of it that way but that’s so true. I myself experienced feeling like I was on my teacher’s level once I knew all about his personal life. That teacher even cursed the whole class one day.

Raeesa signaled for Luqmaan to bring her some water so he left the conversation. I tried changing the topic by commenting on how epic the day was, but uncle Nazeem just brought it right back to technology. “You enjoyed it because you weren’t on your phone the whole time. You’ll be surprised about how much we miss when we’re so engrossed in our phones.”, Uncle Nazeem said, raising his eyebrows like he was trying to sell me a product.

“Yeah but on the other hand, there’s good in it too.”, I told him, feeling like I needed to defend myself for some reason – My biggest mistake… I should’ve just shut my mouth or stuffed a hotdog in it.

There was a twinkle in Uncle Nazeem’s eye like he was about to play his best move and win this discussion, “The bad far outweighs the good my boy. How many marriages are broken because of this very unnecessary mixing of the sexes via social media. Leave divorces, How many Marriages are broken off before they are even made. In my day, if someone had an objection to a marriage, they would have to show their face at the house and state the reason why. So nobody took any chances. Everything was genuine. But today? People send anonymous SMS’s MMS’s Blackberries and Apples and all that and there goes 1 marriage and 15 reputations all at once.”

At this point I was starting to go weak in the knees. A knot formed in my stomach but I just stood there and shook my head in agreement, trying to hide my fear. Maybe this was his way of fishing for a reason why I’m bad news, I wasn’t going to give it to him. I told myself to shut up now but it was too late. Weather I was going to say something or not, it wouldn’t help what he was about to say next.

“You talking about the good in it? Look at this… you think this is good?”, He said, taking out his phone and showing me the screen.

I turned 3 shades lighter…

There I was…

On his screen…

Drunk as hell…

With Natalie all over me. She and some other girls were all around me and we were smoking weed.

I watched in horror as my heart sank. I felt like I was living a nightmare! All I could think was, “HOW? How did this happen?”.

If that wasn’t bad enough, the video got even worse. The cops were popping in to do a casual round and everyone was trying to flee subtly, trying not to look guilty. From here on, the camera shook all the time and the only way of knowing what was going on was by listening to the conversation the person videoing was having with Natalie and whoever else was in the vehicle.

From what I could gather, I was in the vehicle and they were talking about how lucky they were to escape. Just then they freaked out and started yelling when they heard gunshots. They all sounded afraid and didn’t want to get caught being in the area. One of them shouted at the driver saying, “What’s wrong with you bra?! Drive slower! If we get caught on camera being in this area and someone died back there, we’ll all be suspects and tomorrow we’ll be arrested.” The driver told him to relax because even if they are arrested, they weren’t involved in any shooting so they can’t go to jail. “Are you an idiot?! Of course we had nothing to do with it but if they do a drug test then they’ll have more than enough reason to!”, he yelled back.They started making plans on whose house they were going to escape to and someone asked, “And what about this guy?”. Natalie suggested they leave me at Point Road and get out of there. They pulled over, asked a lady her price, gave her some money and sped off. The camera caught a small glimpse of me and the woman before they realised that the camera was still rolling. That was it – it ended there.

Suddenly everything made sense. I couldn’t understand why Natalie went through all the trouble to do that to me, but never finished me off like I thought she would’ve by embarassing and humiliating me in front of everyone. Infact, it was unheard off until I went poking around. The reason why nobody spoke of it was out of fear of being tied to whatever went down with the cops that night.

I looked at Uncle Nazeem’s face, not knowing what to say. What I did know though was that Nusaybah’s dad was clueless about this or he would’ve never allowed me to come near Nusaybah and that I needed to convince Uncle Nazeem not to show this video to him or Nusaybah, at least not until I am officially married to her.

“That was a mistake! I never meant for it to happen. Until now, I myself didn’t know that all that happened, well -most of it.”, I explained under my breath, trying not to let anyone hear. “Aha, let’s relax. Go put the sausages on  the table.”, He replied calmly. “Please Uncle Nazeem. I really didn’t mean for that to happen. It’s been years since that incident and I’m trying to put it behind me.”, I said just before Nusaybah’s dad yelled, asking how the sausages were coming along. I smiled, went over and put the tray on their table before I went back to get the other tray for the ladies.

“Ok fine, Let me tell Nusaybah myself when I’m ready? Please Uncle Nazeem.”, I pleaded. “And when is that? You’ve known her for over two years and you haven’t been ready thus far. So how many more years my boy?”, he asked sarcastically, still smiling so that nobody else would suspect that we were having an intense conversation.

“Ok see here. Honestly, I thought I could just forget about it and move on. After all, I couldn’t even remember anything about that night. After I did find out, I was told that nothing happened with that woman.”, I told him. He didn’t look convinced at all. He just picked up the chicken pieces from the braai stand and put it on the tray and pretended to be interested in what I was saying by nodding his head. “And that’s your excuse for not telling her??”, he asked me. “Ok fine! Punish me for finding it hard to tell Nusaybah that I was once drunk, drugged, high and left alone at a motel with a prostitute?”, I said in frustration and desperation for him to understand why I did what I did.

Uncle Nazeem lifted his head and finally looked at me. He was about to say something but froze. I heard the gravel behind me move and turned around, only to see Nusaybah’s face filled with horror. Her eyes were wide in disbelief while she shook her head from side to side. I looked at Uncle Nazeem, hoping he’d say something but he was in just as much of shock as I was. Neither on of us expected Nusaybah to be there when she was. I think she came over to get the braai meat for the ladies since I was taking long.

Nusaybah ran off and I ran behind her, trying to stop her. I feared that she’d slip and fall off the railing at the speed she was running at. Nusaybah’s dad yelled for Luqmaan to follow us but I heard Uncle Nazeem stopping him and telling them to give us a minute. Nusaybah ran until she was so out of breath that she couldn’t even say anything to me. She just stood over the railing, crying and trying to catch her breath at the same time. I put my hand on her shoulder to turn her around to face me. In return she banged my chest over and over like a punching bag.

“Nusaybah please. Listen to me! Let me explain!”, I said, grabbing her hands so that she’d stop hitting me. “I trusted you!”, she yelled, crying even more. “I swear nothing happened!” “No Sayf! NO! Just get away from me you liar! How many other sluts have you slept with huh?!! Or should I ask how many babies did you have with them?!”, she yelled with absolute hatred in her eyes. “Nothing happened Nusaybah! The whole thing wasn’t even my fault. It was a setup or rather it was revenge!”, I tried explaining but she wanted to hear nothing of it! “Oh of course! And so say ALL of us! Just let go of me!”, she managed to say in between catching her breath and pulling away from me. The yelling and crying went on for a good few minutes.

When Nusaybah lifted her hand to slap me, I just lost it. I caught her hand then looked straight into her eyes. My vision was starting to blur but i stopped my tears from falling by grinding my jaw. I could feel a frog forming in my throat. I could think of a million things to say but not a single word managed to make its way out. I just stood there, looking deep into her eyes, hoping… Hoping that she’d be able to look into my eyes and just know exactly what my heart was saying. It took the last ounce of energy that I had left.

We looked into each other’s teary eyes for a good few seconds before Nusaybah slowly twisting her hand, trying to get it out of my grip, managing to say, “You’re… hurting… me.”. When I let go of her hand and starred at it in horror after seeing it turn colour, I realised that Nusaybah wasn’t looking at me with love and forgiveness but rather with pure fear. “Nusaybah, I… I… I’m so sorry.”, I said honestly. With all our emotions flying around in the moment, I didn’t realise how tightly I was holding her wrist. It looked even worse than it was since she was fair skinned.

She held her wrist and slowly backed away, looking at me with disgust and horror as if I were an abusive monster even though I had never lifted my hand to a woman in my life. I watched as she walked away with tears rolling down her eyes. I knew it was over.

I turned around and buried my head in my hands. I couldn’t believe this was happening. What had I done?! Everything that could’ve went wrong, had went wrong. I kicked the railing in frustration and in that moment all I could think about was how it’d feel to just fall right over it.

Abbu rushed over and asked me if I was ok. He was clueless on what was going on. While Nusaybah and I were fighting, everybody else stopped eating and started packing up to leave. The ride home was a very uncomfortable one. Although nobody spoke about anything, I couldn’t find the courage to look at the very same people who were good to me in the eye. Nusaybah on the other hand decided to lock herself in the bathroom for the whole ride.

Uncle Nazeem was even nice enough to keep the lights in the caravan off so that it would be less awkward. Although it would be easy for me to blame him for this whole thing, at the end of the day, it was my actions that caused this. All I could think about during the long drive back was: how in the world did this happen? I knew who did it, I knew why she did it, but how? That’s what I needed to find out.

I sat quietly, either looking out the window or down at my phone. I kept checking my apps, trying to get Nusaybah to reply to me. Instead of reading my messages, she blocked and deleted me from BBM and Whatsapp. My last option was to message her on Facebook in the hope that she’ll read it when she calms down and is thinking straight -that’s IF she hadn’t blocked me there as well. Just before I was going to search her up, it hit me! Since the first time I made a trip to see Nusaybah and I crossed paths with Sameer, I searched him up on Facebook and befriended him. It wasn’t his personal profile but it was for the promotion of their business.

During this trip, I felt like we bonded so much that I had been tagging him and Nusaybah in everything from statuses about the delicious meals to the power of those awesome jet skis without even thinking. When I viewed his profile, the only logical answer I got was that, the number listed under his name was actually that of his father’s. After all, the whole profile was for the promotion of his father’s business.

I sat there, feeling like an idiot! Uncle Nazeem was right! The way we use social media today is no good. I practically handed Natalie a revenge strategy on a golden platter!

When we reached the house and Uncle Nazeem saw me packing, he told us that there was no reason to leave and that we were welcome to stay. Abbu thanked him but said it was best that we leave. Umi looked as if she was trying to hold back from saying, “I told you that girl was bad news.”.

After packing my car, we drove home in silence. I broke down, not being able to hold my emotions in any longer. Abbu looked over at me, then pulled over. “Bheta, to cry like that, you really must have true feelings for this girl. Can you honestly tell me that in 3 years from now you won’t look back and have regrets? If you can tell me that you’ve done everything in your power to put things right, I’ll carry on driving. But if you can’t, I’ll turn this car around NOW. Running away from your problems never helps. But whatever you choose to do, we are behind you.”, he said, then he hugged me and I cried like I never cried before. The comfort I felt from having my parents behind me was so warming that I cried for a good few minutes.

Abbu turned the car around and I prepared myself to fight for what Nusaybah and I have. Abbu parked outside and I asked him to wait in the car. I was already going to have to face Nusaybah’s father but I wasn’t ready to see the disappointment on my father’s face too. After all, my parents knew something went wrong, but they still had no idea why.

When nobody opened the gate for me, I decided to jump over it. At the door I was met by Nusaybah’s father who wasn’t happy at all to see my face. “Listen, I don’t want any trouble. I suggest you turn around and go home without trying to contact my daughter ever again. She doesn’t want to see you. You’ve done enough damage.”, he said with a stern face. “Please, all I ask is for 5 minutes. That’s all. If she still insists on not seeing me, I’ll turn around and never come back.”, I told him. I was so desperate that I called for Nusaybah over her father’s shoulder. He quickly came outside and closed the door behind him. “I’m warning you boy. If you don’t leave now, I’ll call the cops on you.”, he threatened. “I just need 5 minutes to explain! That’s all!”, I pleaded. “To explain what? That you broke my daughter’s heart? That you drink until you’re drunk? That you love the attention you gets from half dressed women?”, he asked sarcastically. I looked at him in shock. “You didn’t think I knew did you? When Nazeem found out, he told me with a heavy heart. Although my first thought was to send you packing, I knew that would only bring the two of you closer. So I played the happy father-in-law, giving you the benefit of the doubt, hoping you’d come clean on your own. But did you? No! You’d rather have someone else come along and tell her, after you two were married. Leaving my daughter in a very unhappy marriage for the rest of her life!”, her father said.

He called for Luqmaan, looked at me and told him to open the gate and let me out. Before going back inside, he said, “If you really care for my daughter then you’ll want her to have a better life. Don’t contact her again. Let her move on like she says she wants to. Don’t cause problems when I bring other proposals her way. She deserves a good life… with a good life partner.”

I watched as he closed the door behind him, then I looked at Luqmaan with a heavy heart. “She… wants to move on?”, I asked him. He looked down, not wanting to hurt me any further. I got my answer in his silence. I looked at the house one last time before turning around and walking away. Luqmaan walked beside me in silence until we reached the gate. “I hope this doesn’t mean that I have to lose a brother as well. You’re a nice owe and I’ve learnt a lot from you over these two days.”, I told him. “Of course not. We should keep in touch. This was Taqdeer bra. It wasn’t meant to happen.”, he said. He took a deep breath in while fidgeting with the gate key in his hand, saying, “You say I’m your brother, then I hope you don’t take offence to what I have to say next.”

“We are human, we all make mistakes. But did you honestly think that this was going to work out when you’ll went about doing it in a haraam way? Halaal can’t come from Haraam. Nothing good ever comes from going against Allah and His most beloved Rasool (SAW).”, he said. I looked at him with confusion. I couldn’t understand what he was getting at. I was here for the sole purpose of doing the right thing and getting married for the right reasons.

“Raeesa saw you and my sister. This morning and again tonight in the caravan.”, he told me. “Oh”, was all I could say, feeling embarrassed and so ashamed. “Even if she hadn’t, you’ll should’ve known from the start that Allah was watching. Not only did you rob another man of being the only man to have ever touched his wife, but you gave in to the whispers of shaitaan and committed a grave sin too.”, Luqmaan said in a very disappointed tone.

“Did she…?”, I asked, not being able to look him in the eyes any longer. “No she didn’t say anything to anyone but even if she had, find comfort in knowing that If Allah wanted you’ll to be together, nothing would’ve come in you’lls way. Be happy that this happened now rather than later, when it would’ve been a bigger dhamal, That being said, every saint has a past and every sinner has a future. Live every moment as if it were your last opportunity to make The Almighty happy. Hope and pray for Allah’s Mercy but fear his wrath at the same time. You can’t go wrong if you do that.”, he advised me for the last time before I thanked him. He hugged me, making dua that I find happiness and peace someday.

I walked away, not looking back…

It was time that I too, like Nusaybah, closed this chapter of my life, however hard it may be.

Allah knows if I’ll ever live to regret that decision. But in this moment… I know it’s the right thing to do.


>>>Please feel free to share your thoughts. Please note that Season 1 will now be under re-construction!

Everything happens for a reason. We tend to try determine our own paths, forgetting that Allah has already done it for us!

NB: It is not permissible for the Muslim to long for the things that lead to zina, such as kissing, being alone, touching and looking, for all these things are haraam and lead to the greater evil which is zina. Beware as Allah is All-Knowing and sees EVERYTHING!


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“And We will surely test you with something of fear and hunger and a loss of wealth and lives and fruits, but give good tidings to the patient,” [Qur’an 2:155]

Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning): “And come not near to unlawful sex. Verily, it is a Faahishah (i.e. anything that transgresses its limits: a great sin, and an evil way that leads one to hell unless Allaah Forgives him)” [Qur’an 17:32]

Looking at that which is forbidden is one of the arrows of the Shaytaan, which leads a person to doom, even if he did not do it intentionally at first.

Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):“Tell the believing men to lower their gaze (from
looking at forbidden things), and protect their private parts (from illegal sexual acts). That is purer for them. Verily, Allaah is All‑Aware of what they do. And tell the believing women to lower their gaze (from looking at forbidden things), and protect their private parts (from illegal sexual acts)” [Qur’an 24:30-31]

Think about how Allaah connects the issue of lowering the gaze with the issue of protecting the private parts (guarding one’s chastity) in these verses, and how lowering the gaze is mentioned first, before protecting the private parts, because the eye influences the heart.

The Messenger (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) warned us against being alone with a non-mahram woman, and said: “No man is alone with a woman but the shaytaan is the third one present.” [Tirmidhi]

Narrated ‘Aisha: (the wife of the Prophet) Allah’s Apostle (peace be upon him) said, “No calamity befalls a Muslim but that Allah expiates some of his sins because of it, even though it were the prick he receives from a thorn.” [Sahih Al-Bukhari – Book 70 Hadith 544]

SeNd In YouR sUggEstioNs fOr SeasOn 5 to dadiaryofasinner@yahoo.com  <<<




9 thoughts on “22#[THE DIARY OF A SINNER – Season 4]

  1. Wow this was super intense! Enjoyed every word! Sooo sad that this is the end of Nusaybah n Sayf. But Allah truly knows best.

    Can’t wait to read her side of the story


  2. A heart touching Episode, But The GReatest Lesson in Life which we take 4 granted is what we all fall into today the Mis -use of Technology and opening doors to Haraam Relationships… I feel sorry 4 Nusaybah More than Sayf because its a girl who suffers more than a guy in such a situation and as we dnt realise during the haraam there’s always a third person, May اللَّه Save us from such an incident n grant us good spouses that would be good 4 our deen dunyaa n Aakhirah and save us 4rm DIVORCE آمِّيْنَ يَا رَبَّ الْعَالَمِيْنَ


  3. Amazing blog! It’s true, nothing good comes from haraam… Altho it is sad to see them break up in such a way.

    Look forward to more posts 💖


  4. amazing post! with all that haraam flying around, wasn’t surprised that it crashed so fiercely……..sad though. thinking that it could have been something. how did nazeem get the video? was it shared on the internet? upset that sayf didn’t get a chance to explain, just to say what really really happened. Ofcourse it wouldn’t change the breakup situation but atleast her father and brother would know the truth…….know he’s trying to be a better Muslim. he’s not a complete hopeless case……..


  5. jazak-Allah so much to all of you for the feedback. Really appreciated!

    @YAZ The video was sent to his phone from an unknown source. Sayf believes it was Natalie since she wasn’t very happy with him before he’d left for this trip.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. I am sad and frustrated. Yes no good comes from haram but the way uncle nizam and nusaybah dad reacted was totally out of line. They pretended that all was well, very sneaky and played a trap on Sayf which I think was totally wrong! one side they have a holier than thou attitude and yet on the other side they play Shaytaans game.The way they had reacted has broken a relationship.it says also alot that they in ther hearts didnt want this relationship to work.When uncle Nizam had gotten the message first of all he had to approach Sayf in a dignified manner and let him explain himself. As everyone recalls that was a set up and Sayf also only now recently had found out the truth! And credit for Sayf that before he went to propose he made sure he uncovered the truth and laid his past to rest. And beside what’s in the past is in the past. People change! Everyone learns from mistakes! He thinks it’s Natalie…but fingers point to Naseerah! Just my thoughts:)


  7. I have been reading this blog over the past few days, with completion today. I must commend the author on such a good story line so far, mostly all lose ends tied up. The Islamic element at the end is the best, such great lessons to be learnt from quraan and hadeeth, based on the lives we currently live and witness now. This blog is extremely educational and I think, if it were published, it would benefit many many people. A great gift to give to young people and old. Such a captivating realistic story with the lessons and morals explicitly identified at the end of each journal. May Allah accept your efforts in sha Allah. Aameen.


  8. Shukran! Jazak-Allah so much! Really feels so good hearing that you have enjoyed the read. Feedback is such an amazing inspiration to keep writing for authors. I will in sha Allah get back to writing as soon as possible!!

    Shukran once again! You just made my week!

    Liked by 1 person

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